28 Aug Pineapple

Where would tropical drinks be without pineapple? Probably still on a tropical island somewhere, being enjoyed by people we’ll never meet.

Unfortunately, globalization exists, and we have pineapples, the universal symbol of hospitality and all around god-tier fruit, capable of turning even the most mundane cocktail into a mouth vacation. And yes, sometimes when I drink pineapple juice, it hurts my tongue a lot and I can’t taste for about six hours. This is a fair trade-off.

Pineapple is one of the best cocktail-lengthening ingredients out there, adding a lot of flavor without a lot of acidity. From a chemical perspective, the ph of pineapple juice is about 3.5. For scale, the ph of water is 7 (neutral), and lemons and limes are about a 2.3 (highly acidic). As a result, much more pineapple juice can be added to a cocktail before it starts to become overly acidic, and compliments flavors without overpowering them.

Pineapple is also the best fruit for grilling, but you already know that. Cover with salt and chili powder for a turkey burger, or soak in coconut milk, grill hard, and eat it right off the grill. A nice sear in a cast iron will go a long way if you don’t have a grill handy, or keep putting off buying a replacement propane talk like yours truly.

We use this our advantage by using pineapple juice instead of water in frozen cocktails like pina coladas and painkillers. If you try to make a Painkiller without using Pusser’s rum, the Pusser’s corporation will break into your house and arrest you on the spot, than dump all your cocktails down the drain before kicking you out of your own house (all jokes aside, they’ve been known to take legal actions against bars and restaurants for putting “off-brand” painkillers on the menu). So I’d go with Pusser’s for the painkillers.

Pina coladas can take all kinds of rum and still retain their deliciousness, but with that two ounces of rum we’ve alloted for in this recipe, here are some suggestions on blends to impress even your least favorite party guests:

¼ part mezcal
, ¾ part overproof Jamaican rum
½ part bourbon, ½ part spiced rum
½ part campari, ½ part dark rum
¼ part mezcal, ½ part rhum agricole

Pina Colada (serves one)

Ingredients:

2.0 fl oz overproof Jamaican rum (Smith and Cross)

1.5 fl oz pineapple juice*

0.25 fl oz lime juice

0.75 fl oz coconut mix

Shake hard in a shaker tin for ~30 seconds, or until very cold, then strain into a tall iced glass (bonus points for crushed ice, but you may need a bigger glass). Garnish with cocktail umbrellas, freshly plucked pineapple fronds, lime wheels, neon silicone reusable straws, and whatever else is lying around your kitchen that you don’t mind getting covered in pineapple juice.

Coconut Mix:

1 part Coco Lopez

1 part coconut milk

In a saucepan over very low heat, combine the two ingredients and stir, heating until just combined. The mixture should be consistent throughout. Pour into a squeeze bottle, then have a party where you make a bunch of pina coladas.

*Fresh pineapple juice is always better than canned, BUT I would never judge anyone for not juicing their own pineapple juice. Sometimes we’ve used canned pineapple rings and used the leftover juice from that can to make these bad bouys. Drink away and don’t let anybody gatekeep you from enjoying good tiki cocktails. That being said, if you use pre-juiced bottles of lemon or lime juice, please stop immediately.