19 Aug 74 Ways to Say No to Drugs

1. No thanks, I’m stuffed.
2. Oh, I don’t like that flavor.
3. I don’t do drugs after 11AM.
4. The only drug I need is… checks pockets Oh no, my drugs! runs home
5. I prefer hugs, thanks.
6. I have to go read a book.
7. Is this keto?
8. Do these drugs contain gluten? What do you mean you don’t know?
9. Sounds great, do you mind if we listen to free form jazz while we do them?
10. Not without my fedora!
11. I’m sorry, did you say rugs?
12. I’m sorry, have we met?
13. Drugs killed my dad.
14. I have to call my dad.
15. A lot of people get this mixed up, but it’s actually Frankenstein’s monster, not Frankenstein. Frankenstein was the name of the doctor who created Frankenstein’s monster. Has anyone seen my friend with the drugs?
16. The last time I did drugs I voted to go to war with Iraq, I just don’t think I can go through that again.
17. I left my drug phone in my other pants.
18. Did you know Oreos are vegan? Oh, and that’s gonna be a no from me on the drugs.
19. My stepdad Richard, who I do not like, does drugs. I’m good.
20. Drugs impair my ability to ingest post-modern literature.
21. I don’t associate with drug-doers.
22. I fell last week (as an adult) and I’m still recovering from that.
23. This reminds me one of my favorite quotes from the inimitable Oscar Wilde: “Dont’ do drugs.”
24. Who’s Doug?
25. moonwalks away
26. Do you think Goofy is jealous of Mickey’s success?
27. Drugs killed my favorite musician, Thin Lizzy’s Phil Lynot. I see his face whenever I think about drugs.
28. Are they the injecting kind of drugs? I’m still on the fence about vaccines.
29. Drugs? What do I look like, a Slytherin?
30. Oh, I already have plenty of mugs! Opens a large cabinet full of mugs
31. Do you mind if I hold up my phone for you to laugh at a meme first? I just love this “Bad Luck Brian” fellow.
32. Do drugs make you sweat? I forgot to put on deodorant this morning.
33. Not in this Starbucks. They don’t let me do drugs here anymore.
34. I had drugs for dinner last night. How about pizza?
35. Good boys don’t do drugs. I’m a good boy.
36. I need to be sober to watch Fraser tonight. The jokes just come so fast, if I don’t have a clear head I’m afraid I won’t laugh.
37. Pretty sure these ruined every band I’ve ever liked. So that’s gonna be a no from me.
38. Are these drugs certified fair-trade single origin? Do you have the reciept?
39. Do you mind if I make a phone call first? Hello, police? My friend is trying to give me drugs.
40. I love drugs, I just don’t enjoy your company and I don’t think I would enjoy doing drugs with you.
41. Wait, you want me to do drugs? With you?
42. I think I’m going to have to say no tonight, my good sir. I have a long day building model railroads ahead of me in the morning, shaky hands would be a pretty serious detriment.
43. Drugs are for the birds! gives drugs to birds
44. I drew up a quick pros and cons list, and I just don’t think the net benefits outweigh the risks. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave this financial institution and never come back.
45. If I wanted to give up on my dreams, I wouldn’t have paid up front for those improv lessons. Pass.
46. Sorry. Painting moral dichotomies in blacks and whites does a great disservice to the great moral ambiguities of this world, and besides, I’m already late for my “Intro to Philosophy” class.
47. I believe what you meant to say was “Do you and I want to do some drugs?” Wait, where are you going?
48. I had a poppy seed bagel this morning. Will that counteract the drugs?
49. Are they addictive? This is honestly the first time I’ve ever heard of drugs so if you could fill me in on what they are and how they work I’d really appreciate it.
50. Oh my, look at the time! shoves watch directly in face
51. My guidance counselor said I’d never amount to anything. This has nothing to do with the drugs, I’ve just carried that weight around for a long time.
52. No thanks. The Office comes off Netflix this year and I’d like to spend as much of my time doing that as possible before I have to pay for a new streaming service.
53. Drugs are not my favorite thing to do. My favorite thing to do is write lists of excuses not to do drugs, and I have to get back to doing that.
54. If you don’t ‘mind, I actually have to get going. My friend Carl is in town and I forgot to drop off his insulin.
55. I came here to do two things: buy dental floss and turn down drugs, and I’m all out of dental floss.
56. If I become addicted to drugs, I’ll have to sell my vintage glassware collection, and I’ve become attached to them. They’ve kept my company through so many cold winters I just don’t think I can give them up at this point.
57. Dude, you keep those in your locker? Those are less than ideal storage conditions for drugs. Call me when you know how to cellar them properly and we’ll talk.
58. This will be such a good story to tell at the YMCA! I wish it hadn’t closed last year due to lack of funding. puts on mustache You’re under citizen’s arrest!
59. If I do drugs, I’m afraid our volleyball team won’t make the state championships this year.
60. I’m sorry, I don’t speak English. Could you repeat that, but louder, and with more vocal movement?
61. Not without a proper exchange of equal value, my good man! Perhaps I could I interest you in a lecture on 18th century American economics?
62. Not until I get these dang termites out of this crawlspace! Do you mind giving me a hand?
63. Hey, you have a truck, right? Can you help me move? It’s just the big stuff mostly, I moved most of the stuff out last week, but tomorrow’s the last day to get all my stuff out. A couch, a refrigerator, two bedside tables, several dozen small boxes, and about a half dozen very large boxes full of pillows and blankets and such.
64. Damn, that’s crazy. Did you say something?
65. If my grandfather could see me now, he’d say, “real men don’t wear shorts, put on pants or don’t bother coming over for Thanksgiving this year.” He was really into gatekeeping. He did drugs.
66. Perhaps instead of drugs, I could go home and read my chapter book? Is that something that would interest you?
67. Sorry, there are just so many good shows on TV these days, taking time to do drugs just isn’t in the cards for me right now.
68. Gonna have to be a rain check from me, bud. I’m halfway through the third season of Dexter and I need to find out how he just keeps getting away with all these murders somehow.
69. If I wanted to sit on my couch zoning out and feeling guilty about it, I’d just watch Bon Appetit Test Kitchen videos until I felt tired enough to go to bed.
70. I don’t accept drugs from someone without a Twitter profile picture and less than 50 followers. Put a little effort in, Sebastian.
71. If you think this is going to get me to come to your open mic night, you’re wrong. I’m leaving.
72. I think I left my dog in a hot car, I should really go check on him.
73. I actually don’t really do drugs, I have too many other self-destructive tendencies.
74. I’m afraid of the things I don’t understand, and I never took organic chemistry in college, I padded my schedule pretty hard those last couple years.