22 Aug 39 ways to escape from jail

Posted at 15:13h in Brainstorming, Thoughts by
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  1. Ask to use the bathroom, then leave.
  2. Surgically replace your hands with shovels.
  3. Take all the spoons from the dining area, melting them into one big spoon, then trading the world’s largest spoon for a “get out of jail free” card.
  4. Ask nicely.
  5. Time travel back into the past and ensuring the new warden of the prison is your biological son, and then guilt tripping him to let you go.
  6. Tell the guards “I’ll owe you one,” and then winking suggestively.
  7. Get your prison acapella group to learn Thin Lizzy’s “Jailbreak,” and singing it until they agree to let you go.
  8. Your friend gets arrested. Your “friend” is actually 100 groundhogs in a trenchcoat.
  9. Tell the guards you have to go feed your sourdough starter, then not coming back.
  10. Bake a cake with another cake inside it, using that cake to wish the warden a happy birthday, gaining his favor until he is forced to let you leave.
  11. Put “escaping from jail” on your vision board.
  12. Cover yourself in breadcrumbs and birdseed, gluing all the birds to your body, flying away.
  13. Yell “I have a connecting flight” until everybody gets out of the way.
  14. Talk about international politics until they ask you to leave.
  15. Run through the wall, like you’re the Kool-Aid man.
  16. Do the opposite of what a hunger strike is, wait for the prison to settle into the foundation, get assigned to repair the foundation, then leave.
  17. Make up new, prison-centric words to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” until the prison catches on fire and they are forced to evacuate.
  18. Organize an outdoor nighttime screening of James Cameron’s Titanic, then cutting the fence during the end of the movie while the ship in sinking.
  19. Become a major shareholder in the privately owned prison in which you’re being held, lobby to move all the inmates into a decommissioned plane scrapyard to cut costs, build a working plane out of all the leftover parts.
  20. Insist on hearing a bedtime story every night.
  21. Say you forgot to return a library book, and if you don’t go return it you’ll be forced to bill the U.S. Department of Corrections for ensuing fines.
  22. Ask for/refer to everyone by their mother’s maiden names, then steal their identities.
  23. Dress up as a Dickensian orphan, always ask for seconds on soup, wait until they send you to the store for more soup.
  24. Insist the prison has no good magazines, then offer to grab some down the street.
  25. Spend all your time in the prison library, studying the ancient texts.
  26. Cover yourself in a blanket and walking through the prison yard until everyone is convinced the prison is haunted.
  27. Beat the prison warden in a game of chess (this is legally binding).
  28. Insist on bringing your emotional support Grizzly Bear.
  29. Put on a fake mustache
  30. Refuse to believe in mass incarceration.
  31. Eat only corn, waiting to be become corn, waiting until the guards say “where did this corn come from,” and gently placing you outside the gate.
  32. Insist the bathroom situation isn’t conducive to your IBS.
  33. Get all the prisoners to play the prison staff in a game of basketball, and if you win you get to trade places.
  34. Say “but it’s Christmas!” every time you’re asked to do something.
  35. Insist there’s no good cappuccino in the prison, waiting for the prison to buy a brand new espresso machine, then sneaking out in the box it came in.
  36. Ask the guards to be on your podcast.
  37. Check out the book titled “How to Break Out of Prison” from the prison library.
  38. Insist on eating only magnets until you can bend the metal bars with your stomach.
  39. Pretend to be a dolphin. Dolphin’s can’t go to jail.